Why You Stop Wondering if You did Something Wrong

Have you ever done or said something that you thought offended someone else, but you weren't sure? What did you do?

Well there are only two possibilities, either you offended them or you didn't. Here are two short anecdotes about what to do in either case.

CASE 1 - You DIDN'T Say Something Wrong

"Did I offend him? Or was he just joking that he was upset? I just don't know!" I thought.  It was my second day on the job at my summer internship in Sillicon Valle. I made a comment that may have offended my coworker but I wasn't sure. I sat at my desk pretending to write code but all I could think about was about the fact that I may have just made a really bad impression of myself very early on.

I was wondering and wondering. Finally, I just manned up, sat next to my coworker and apologized for the comment I made earlier that may have offended him. He burst out laughing and called me "a big cheese ball" for apologizing for something so trivial.  I felt silly for apologizing in the moment, but after I sat down at my desk, I felt relieved. I could actually focus on my code!

CASE 2 - You DID Say Something Wrong

My tongue must have been cursed that week. Just a few days later I told my supervisor about a creative idea that I had thought about doing. To this my supervisor  "ideas are a commodity. In startups it's all about executing. We can't have people leaving their regular work to pursue creative side projects. That will kill us here" I hadn't started the project, nor did I plan on starting the project any time soon, but based on my supervisors response, it seemed that he thought I was getting distracted from my primary work.

With both of these instances I spent a considerable time wondering if I had made a bad impression and miscommunicated. But part of me didn't want to bring it up to my coworker or my supervisor because I didn't want to make myself look even dumber than I already may have my first week on the job.

Later, I gathered courage to bring up my supervisors comment to him. I told him that I was concerned that I gave him the wrong impression and I explained what I had mean to say earlier. He listened and said "Oh, well actually you did give me the impression that you weren't focusing on your primary work. Thank you for clarifying. Now I know that you're on task"

By bringing up the issue I had successfully corrected my supervisor's negative view of me. My feeling of euphoria was even greater than after my coworker called me a cheeseball.

Why Bringing up the Issue is Best for Both Cases

There are two cases here. In case #1 I thought I had offended someone but I hadn't really, but the outcome of brining up the issue resulted in peace of mind for me and I was able to concentrate on my work after that. In case #2 brining up the issue resulted in correcting my boss's negative view of me.  So in both cases bringing up the issue had a very positive effect.

The moral of the story is this: Stop wondering if you did or said something wrong to someone else. Rather then wasting your precious brain power wondering - Just bring it up! If you didn't do something wrong, you'll have peace of mind. If you did mess up, discussing the issue will give you a chance to do something to improve the situation. 

Inspiring Trust

An acquaintance of mine shared an experience of how many of his sons came to him of their own free will to ask for help to overcome their struggles pornography. Those boys really must have trusted their father. What do I have to do to inspire that kind of trust in my children? I discussed this question with my wife and she described to me how she was surrounded with many immoral choices growing up, but whenever she was faced with enticing situations she never participated in the unwholesome activities that the crowd was doing.  She says she always remembered the gentleness and unconditional love of her father, and she simply didn’t want to let him down.  Essentially, my father in law motivated his daughter with love and not with threatening punishments. My position is that if we want to inspire trust in others we should do it by love and not by fear. That’s the kind of father that I want to be – a father who inspires trust by teaching his children to love him.  

WORK!

I was inspired by Elliot Jacobsen’s example of chasing his dreams to become a successful entrepreneur.  I, like Elliot, have dreams of becoming an entrepreneur.  Over the past months I have sought every opportunity possible to talk to successful businessmen and women in my circles of friends to ask them about their keys to success.   Their recommendations stressed various aspects of business, but there was once piece of advice that I heard almost everyone I asked give: “Work!” If you want to make things happen in your business you must be willing to “Work work work!”  You need to take your fate into your own hands without blaming anyone else for the circumstances and do everything in your power to make your dreams come true.  As I have pondered this, I have become increasingly aware of things in my life that I have simply “left to fate” rather than perusing and achieving.  It’s true that fate is sometimes unalterable, but by leaving everything to fate we essentially forfeit our agency and our ability to impact the world and our circumstances. If I want to become an entrepreneur I must take fate into my own hands by following this business adage: “WORK!”

It’s Okay to Ask For Help

Elliot Jacobsen set a goal to get into HBS.  He strived so hard to get connected with the HBS network that all three of his letters of recommendation from came from HBS alumni.  As you might think, he got in.  Elliot’s MBA application strategy demonstrates how to effectively get noticed by your dream school or how to get your foot in the door with your company of choice.  From Elliot’s language it was clear that he was very audacious about contacting alumni from his dream school.  In the past I have felt reluctant to be as forward as Elliot in reaching out to people that could help me achieve my goals because I don’t want to get “too political.”  I don’t want these individuals to think that I’m contacting them just because I want to get something out of them.  However, Elliot responded to such concerns in his presentation by saying “Just be humble and have the courage to ask people for help.  It’s okay to ask for help” 

More Thoughtful About My Thoughts

Elliot Jacobsen, an HBS alumni and successful tech entrepreneur described how in his free time his mind goes on to envision new business plans.  This thoughtfulness is characteristic of true innovators. Elliot went on to say how In every spare moment he could find, he wrote down his creative ideas which now fill numerous binders.  Innovators like Elliot may see the time we spent idly waiting in line to checkout at the grocery store, or time spent walking to and from class, as an opportunity to ponder how an idea can be improved upon. Yesterday I was driving home and I found myself daydreaming about what it would be like to work for a certain company. I caught myself and realized that my thinking was completely unproductive. While there is nothing fundamentally wrong with such thoughts, it was a waste, because such daydreaming is unlikely to help me achieve my personal goals of becoming a individual, family and global innovator. As I observed Elliot Jacobsen’s example, I have become much more thoughtful about my thoughts.

As Always - Be Suspicious

Here Comes Everybody details disruptions that the internet era caused in the news industry. Before the rise of amateur bloggers and social media gurus, the news was first filtered by big agencies and then published.  Now it’s the reverse. The news goes out via the diverse channels of the World Wide Web and then the filtering happens second. Should this fundamental shift in the publishing process change the way we approach the news? As we discussed this question in class, the following thoughts came to mind. Over the past several hundred years the world has had good reason to be suspicious of what it reads and hears from the press because it was likely heavily filtered. With the filtering plug lifted in our internet era, we still have need for suspicion, but for a very different reason. We must be suspicious of what we hear, precisely because it may be unfiltered.  

Don’t Gawk – Look Inside Yourself

We often see big leaders in business make morally wrong decisions and make front page news.  Sometimes we think to ourselves: “What a bad person! I would never do that!”  But the truth is that good people with good intentions have the potential to make bad decisions.  I am one of those people...
“You just have to snap out of it!” Carla Heesch said, “You men, have your buddies, and you just want to be tight with them and not let them down.  But when ethical decisions are at hand, you just have to snap out of it, and do what’s right.” I see myself as a good person, with good intentions, but as I reflected on Carla’s words, I could see within myself the potential to make a very poor ethical decisions if I didn’t manage to “snap out of it” as she directed.  Rather than gawking with disgust when we hear stories of unethical decisions made in business, we should practice humility; we should look inside ourselves and honestly evaluate how we can avoid making similar bad choices.